Hubris Practices Drawing

Worth the Price

So last weekend my folks marked their 35 wedding anniversary with a nice celebration dinner at a seafood restaurant. My presence was a surprise to them because they did not expect me to afford the trip. Thanks to my sister for paying for my train ticket. My mom was in tears. She was that excited that I could make it.

It was actually very difficult for me to be there. An anniversary party full of friends and family supporting 35 years of successful loving cooperation staring me in the face. I couldn't help but feel like a failure regarding my own destroyed marriage. These thoughts kept swimming trough my head and by the time we got to the restaurant, I was ready to numb myself. It went something like: 1 screwdriver, 2 screwdriver, 3 screwdriver, floor. I didn't actually hit the floor but the relevance of my issues sure did. I guess that is the beauty of numbing one's self in order to either help move on or simply have a good time.

So now I'm good & drunk & the party's over. My sister drives me back to the house with my mom & aunt in tow in the car behind us. My mom rushes up to our window & says with urgency to immediately get into the back seat of her car.

umm... k.

My sister asks, "Are we putting on our makeup?" My sister drags my drunk ass into the back seat of a 2 door Civic along with her 5 month old Great Dane. My mom declares that she's driving & my aunt takes the front passenger seat. As we pull away I ask where we're going & they all in unison reply that we're putting on our makeup. By the time my aunt pulls out a fat-ass joint for us to share I realize that "makeup" actually means getting stoned off our asses. This is merely a weak subterfuge for my dad. (seriously, like he doesn't know)

Wow dudes, this is the kind of giggly dope ya pray to get. We were laughing so hard, my mom is swerving as she drives & every time I exhale, the Great dane is putting his nose right into the smoke. We pull into the driveway after the joint is gone and we all put on lipstick. Yes, me & the dog too. We then stumbled out of the Civic like circus clowns giggling hysterically & the dog was staggering clumsily like the walking battle machines from Star Wars. My dad was in the doorway with arms folded & he asks if the dog was high as well. I replied "Probably" as the last bit of smoke belched out of my lungs & I fell to the floor of the garage to finish my giggle fit.

Damn what a cool weekend. I've never smoked MJ with mom before, let alone hot-boxed a Civic while driving with her. I'd say that smoking experience rates in the top 10 of all time with 2 or 3 belonging to Sass & Othercat & the rest are surely with LSAD & the Marijuana Madonna.

P-A-R-T. Y? Cuz I GOTTA! (Muddafuckin 2wice)

POWER FAILURE
I BLOODY HATE WRITING POSTS TWICE!
I BARELY FIND TIME TO WRITE THEM ONCE!

Saturday went off without a hitch. Wait. What the fuck does that mean anyway? I have never had a hitch hinder any of my plans...

Yeah, whatever. So last Saturday I had my very first, very own party. This is a first because I have always lived with someone. Therefore all parties were co-hosted. Separated=my house biatch=my friends=my party! I'd like to thank those that came.

GUILTY PARTIES:
Sassinak
Othercat
MightyDoll & 2 friends, L & S
Lividviv & 2 friends, J & T
TA (who probably wouldn't mind if you took it as T&A ;)
JM (ex-coworker)
AF
MM (who fucking rocks, see below)

In fact, all but a couple of the people in the GTA that I care for came! We missed you!

This gathering has meant more to me than some of you may realize.
Here is a special toast to the MighyDoll who is definitely that and much more! A wonderful lady who learned that the banks were closed last Friday. This meant I could not cash my paycheck. Which meant that for the party I had:
no clean clothes
no food
no drinks

I also planned to clean but I ended up not having much time for that. This sweetheart allows me to borrow cash for food, goes shopping with me & helps me carry it home, & while I'm at work the next day she cleaned my home & my clothes! I was nearly moved to leaky eyes. She is the reason I got to have a party at all. Thank you.

I did invite 2 people from the SCA. One rsvp'd but neither showed up. Whatever the fuck. That circle is messed if you ask me. I like the idea that a circle consists of friends, not gossip and hierarchy. I seem to remember that there was a very good reason that our civilization left despotism & monarchy in the past. Why reenact that? It adds an element of dysfunction to an otherwise functional circle of friends... wait, maybe it doesn't... it is, after all, an organized escapism community. It really is fine by my because I felt like I was sinking there anyway.

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We have one chance.
One chance to get everything right.
We have one chance, one chance.
And if we're lucky we might.
My friends, my habits, my family,
they mean so much to me.
I just don't think that it's right.
I've seen so many ships sail in,
just to head back out again and go off sinkin'.

-MODEST MOUSE

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Fine with me because this only serves to drive the axe deeper into a gap not started by but certainly being severed further by yours truly. Among the others of course. I don't doubt for one second that they are happier for it as well. There is just that whole thing about I don't give a shit. But the gap is sad to me because of this one person. Anne. But I also believe that the pain of this gap will be subdued once I can no longer see the other side in a familiar way.
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There's a gap in between
There's a gap where we meet
Where I end and you begin

And I'm sorry for us
The dinosaurs roam the earth
The sky turns green
Where I end and you begin

I am up in the clouds
I am up in the clouds
And I can't and I can't come down

I can watch but not take part
Where I end and where you start
Where you, you left me alone
You left me alone

X will now mark the place
Like the parting of the waves
Like a house falling into the sea
Into the sea

I will eat you all alive

There'll be no more lies

-RADIOHEAD

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A dead life. Along with many dreams and hopes. But I have not been buried with it. I am now remade. I was Fall. I was Winter. I am now Spring. Most importantly, I am.
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Don't disturb
The beast
The tempermental goat
The snail while he's feeding on
the Rose
Stay frozen, compromising
What I will
I am

Bend around
The wind silently
thrown about
Again I'm treading so
Soft and lightly
Compromising my will
I am

I am
I will
So no longer
Will I
Lay down
Play dead
Play your doe
in the headlights locked down
and terrified
Your deer in the headlights
shot down and horrified when
Push comes to pull comes to shove
Comes to step around this
Self-destructing dance that never
would've ended till I rose,
I roared aloud here
I will
I am.

I am
I will
So no longer
Will I
Lay down
Lay dead
Play this
Kneel down
Gun-shy Martyr
Pitiful
I rose, I roared
I will
I am

- A PERFECT CIRCLE

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It seems that has been on my mind for a while now. That was good to have another little purge. Do you notice that they are getting less explosive? Hopefully that doesn't return. I like that this last song is the loudest in my head lately.

Now on to the thanks to MM. A girl from work that came to my party. Also a girl who walked in on her day off to offer me a ticket to see Nine Inch Nails that night! "Twist my rubber arm."


So I went and the thing is that I saw them in 2000 when NIN was still my favorite band. At the time they could do no wrong. But now that they have a new album out which did not impress me, I was there to critique the show. And can I just say, Trent Reznor still has it! There was a lack of interaction with the audience but that was more than made up for by the stunning sound quality & fantastic visuals. The videos flashed a lot of war & weapon footage. It made for nice propaganda against those atrocities.

Thanks MM! You fuckin Rock!

Hey, LSD! you asked... In Her Own Words.

I'm open-minded and contemplative. I love to write and to take time to think about the input I've received before stating my opinions.

My two children are my career currently, however as they grow I'm beginning to dip myself back into some of my outside pursuits. I'm a writer by disposition, but I'm exceedingly shy about showing my material to anyone. My education is in film and television production and most of my career experience has been in early childhood education/special needs care.

I'm currently separated from my husband, however we still cohabitate (in separate rooms, naturally) for ease of living and for the sake of the children. We are on very good terms despite our relationship differences.


What I'm doing with my life:
Raising my kids, writing, taking pictures, people watching, learning.

I'm really good at:
Short prose, starting conversations, tasteless humour, attracting wierd people...seriously, I'm like a crazy magnet. I don't mind. It gives me good stories to tell.

The first thing(s) people usually notice about me:
My hair.

I spend a lot of time thinking about:
People, psychology and sociology, educational theory. How to avoid getting burned to a crisp in the sun. My kids. My friends. Celtic mythology. Mysticism. Words. Nature. The noble and majestic Tofutelope. Sex. Weird people. Weird Sex.

On a typical Friday night I am:
Going where my feet lead me, Sometimes that's a club, or a more intimate gathering of friends, sometimes it's a local concert or on alternating Fridays Kung Fu Friday. Or home looking after the kids and reading or hanging out with a friend or two.

Things in my life are rarely typical, though.

Don't you hate pants?

The Mighty Doll:


In my words, MD is exciting, sexciting, brainy, beautiful, fun, inspiring, sweet, the list goes on but I ran out of lunch break for now.

MD, hope to see you very soon. ;)